A Peek into the Mind of the Writer

So I finally created a blog after years of telling myself that is exactly what would help me clear my mind. So what should I start with saying? Perhaps a little disclaimer about exactly what this blog entails, perhaps something to warn people whom read it. So here it is:

Disclaimer: This is meant to be an outlet for my emotions and nothing here should ever be taken seriously as I am simply using it as an outlier to my emotions. However, there is some merit to what I feel, even if I say that none of this should be taken seriously.

So now that the disclaimer is out of the way, what should I talk about? Where should I begin? Tell you a little about myself? I’m a boring, selfish, and horrible person who for the most part only cares about himself… That’s what people have told me for years now. So many times have I heard this, from my family, the ones I call friends, or brothers… that I believe them. I am a selfish, and cruel heart-ed person whom only cares for myself, and nobody else… Selfish, undesirable, hard to control, Who would ever want to be my friend, whom would ever desire to see me as anything lower then dirt, anything but the mud on the ground mixed with the rain water of a dreary day…

Who would ever want to be my friend? Do I even deserve a friend? No. I deserve to be alone, to suffer alone, to die alone.. I’ve been so horrible to all my friends, every one of them.. I have wronged them in so many ways and though I put on a Facade and act like I’m joyful, or just a little depressed… I put it on so my ‘friends’ don’t worry about me, so my family can look at me and say that I’m happy doing what I’m doing, so I can get through the day, just one day, without crying and hating myself. That is why I put on a Facade, that is why I hate life, why I hate myself, I can’t survive without being someone I’m not, I can’t be alone.. if I’m alone, I lose everything. All I have in this world that is worth anything is my friends, and all I do is hurt my friends, I’m a hypocritical dick that has no right to even call three people I call brother, brother. I’ve hurt them all, and I just deserve loneliness…the worst thing…a world with nobody…or no one… my one true fear, being alone…that’s what I deserve, that’s what I deserve…

I wish I was a better person, I truly do, but in the end…I’m just some garbage white trash selfish cruel heart-ed asshole, and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to change…that I’ll lose everything, and everyone… but perhaps thats what I deserve.

Advertisements
Standard